Who wants to read my journal? You people scare me.

Sasha is sleeping, so is Andy and his mom. But I'm up. I just sit here in the dark watching her. I'm so afraid that something is going to happen to her while I'm asleep.

I have never felt such fear in my whole life. I find myself crying all the time. I have only known this little person for such a short time, but if something were to happen to her, I wold just want to die.

I find myself watching her breathe, her little chest rise and fall in her swaddle. I will get up and touch her face to hear her squeek or sigh. Some reassurance that she is OK.

We have done everything to eliminate the risks for SIDS, but I still worry. Is she too warm? What happens if she sleeps on my chest on her belly, is that bad? I feel like all the attempts for SIDS awareness has made me a bit neurotic. I don't know anyone who has had a child that died of SIDS, but I cannot help but worry. I read statistics and think, are we the 0.6%? I mean someone has to be, right?

I hope that this is just the baby blues and that in a few weeks, after the shock of our new situation has worn off a bit, I'll feel more secure.

On a better note, MIL is being better. I had a melt down at Andy and he talked to her. She said she didn't want to change Sasha's diapers because she might do it wrong, and I would get mad. He said I was mad because she woke me up to change a poopy diaper, and I guess she saw the errors of her ways. So far she has done all the laundry, cleaned up the kitchen, and not put my underpants away. (Granted she didn't do laundry the way I do it, but I won't get too pissy about it.)

So she claims she came to help by...

1) going through my underwear drawers to "put away laundry", but won't put Sasha's laundry away because she doesn't know where it goes.

2) taking Sasha at any chance, unless she needs a diaper change.

3) being in the way, literally standing in between me and where ever I need to be.

4) walking in on me while breastfeeding, or peeing, or showering.

5) guilting Andy into not holding or caring for his own child since she will only be here for a short time.

6) criticizing OUR choice to BF because she didn't do it.

7) projecting negative connotations to all the squeaks and faces that Sasha makes.

8) telling us how sickly Sasha is going to be, because Andy was. (have I mentioned that I'm totally new at this and am terrified about Sasha getting sick, or worse)

9) being ignorant about everything.

10)mocking everything I enjoy.

and finally

11)wedging herself between Andy and me. AND STUPIDLY HE TAKES HER SIDE A BIT TOO OFTEN!


Only 10 more days and then she will go away.